HalGatewood.com

Guaraná Brazilia

Hal Gatewood — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 17:30:53 +0000

Packaging
“The Best From Brazil” is setting the bar pretty high especially when there is some kind of Arabic language on the side of the can and it says bottled in New Jersey. I’m guessing this bev will be supermodel free. Oh great, the serving size is one can, check.

Smell
A slight smell of suntan oil and deadly parana. It attacks your senses as soon as you pop open this yellow and red beauty. Smells like red bull, but who doesn’t these days.

Taste
There is almost no flavour here… now I am confused, this is supposed to be the best? bah. They have a long way to go until they reach Guaraná Antarctica caliber soda.

Price
It was just a buck for this Guaranana..na.na. That’s probably like a million of those little Brazilian dollars.

Whiteway’s – Peardrax

Hal Gatewood — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 16:32:40 +0000

Packaging
“For best taste – drink by date on bottle” makes me think there should be a date somewhere on the bottle, there isn’t. Should I be worried? Naw this under-the-counter pear medicine should be safe right? There are some weird dots at the bottom, maybe it’s braille. Blindies drink non-alco bevs too, am I right?

Smell
There is almost a beer smell to this drax. Maybe it was just a beer bottle in a former life.

Taste
When I thought to myself the other day what drinking a pear would be like, this beverage really nailed it. Bravo. The part I didn’t think about was why would anybody drink a pear. Yeesh.

Price
At the reasonable price of $1 you could drink two of these for $2, cause everything is better in pears.

Tiger Malt

Hal Gatewood — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 16:34:03 +0000

Packaging
This is a pretty cool looking bottle. You can’t go wrong with a headshot of a tiger on the front (non-golfing tigers of course).

Smell
The smell of this beverage is seriously disgusting. I really cannot put into words how bad this is. I thought maybe because I was a non beer drinker that it was just me, but several beer-drinking-co-workers agreed with me.

Taste
One word… Gagreflex. At first you squirm and then you hope it stays down. I think I just figured out where the malt comes out of the tiger. heellloo.

Price
It was only a dollar but I feel a much bigger donation should be made to poor factory workers making this stuff. Their nostrils must be on strike, if they still have them.

Inca Kola – The Golden Kola

Hal Gatewood — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 16:44:48 +0000

Packaging
This can is one giant auto-spell-check failure. Where was the little paperclip when they needed him? This packaging makes me hesitant, but who can resist shiny gold? I suspect no one.

Smell
Either the smell of a Red Bull has permanently nestled itself in my nose hairs again or this beverage has been improperly labeled. Smells like a fruity energy drink.

Taste
Once you get over the radiator fluid green color, the taste is pleasantly ok. It’s like a mix of about 6 different beverages, unfortunately the worse flavor of the mix sticks around. It’s marketed perfectly as a gag kola.

Price
It was a dollar per ounce. Ten more and I can retire in Peru.

Amp Energy Juice – Mixed Berry

Hal Gatewood — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:03:14 +0000

Packaging
You’ve got to give it to the amp people for producing such an oddly shaped beverage dispenser. The colors make me sad. I’m surprised to see 100% juice contains so many other crazy ingredients (I guess we’re rounding up, who isn’t).

Smell
The smell hits you, it’s pretty strong for an energy juice. Think strong like spandex and triceps.

Taste
This is not your grandma’s energy juice. Your brain is thinking ‘juice’ your tongue is thinking ‘whaaaattt?’ I’m having a hard time finding words for this one. It looks like it should be delicious but it isn’t, however, I cannot stop drinking it.

Price
This juice probably cost more than it should.

2
Sponsored by Saad Tazi.

Goya – Guanabana

Hal Gatewood — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 16:40:05 +0000

Packaging
Let’s be honest… this fruit is scary looking. I’m hoping this is a spike free beverage. When I think of quality I think GOYA, don’t you? The side of the can says “Shake well for better flavor.” It’d be cool if it said “may contain spikes.”

Smell
It smells fruity. I can’t quite put my finger on it…. ouch it pricked me.

Taste
Surprized. This drink has a very mild and delicious taste. I’d say pineapplish. The ocean land mine on the can is very misleading. I can’t say I would drink it again but atleast I am ready for the next season of Fear Factor. What… that show is canceled? no way.

Price
This can was found for 99 cents at a shady dollar store by my house. Are you surprised?

NOS Energy Drink – Grape

Hal Gatewood — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 17:18:47 +0000

Packaging
A tall purple can referencing automotive parts should warn the user that this bev should not be consumed in one sitting.

Smell
It’s a grape flavored beverage and it smells like a grape flavored beverage. Push the button now!!

Taste
The grape smell allows your nose hairs to believe you will be drinking a grape soda, that is a lie. They are really treated with a grapish energish concoction that leaves you scraping the inside of your mouth with your tongue. It’s not an awful taste, it’s just not a great taste either.

Price
This can will cost you two pink slips… if you’re fast enough.

Grace – Coconut Water

Hal Gatewood — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 16:33:36 +0000

Packaging
The tall ripply can leads me to believe I am about to drink something soup related. The ‘with pulp (jelly)’ label is starting to scare me. Could this really be the ‘Ultimate Thirst Quencher?’ The container says that it is a product of Thailand just below a Jamaican flag, that explains a lot.

Smell
There is barely a smell, but just enough of something to let me know this might not be the beverage of my dreams. It reminds me of the beach just not the joyous parts of the beach.

Taste
Oh noco! This was not something I want to remember. Just thinking about my drink is making me feel a little queasy. Beverages with stuff floating around in them gives my brain the impression that something in the brewing process went terribly wrong. I don’t recommend this drink and will be checking with my doctor for any ringworms that have been inserted into my system.

Price
This can was 99 cents and was 99 cents overpriced. I wouldn’t serve this in a soup kitchen.

X Games Energy Drink

Hal Gatewood — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 16:48:53 +0000

Packaging
This can is far out. The only part that is a little confusing is why the skateboarder has a hook for a hand. Is he a pirate? Pirate skateboarding…now that is Xtreme!

Smell
Smells like an energy drink and not sweaty athletes. I was a little worried at first.

Taste
For an energy drink, the taste is pretty good. I’m almost positive it’s just Red Bull liquid in a pirate container. I was stoked to see it was made with natural herbs, the unnatural ones aren’t nearly as knarly.

Price
This can is free if you know the right people. Wink.

4
Sponsored by Francis Hogue.

Milk 2 Go – Banana Blast

Hal Gatewood — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 16:31:46 +0000

Packaging
The package is some sort of abstract, post-modernistic, bananish milk design. I drank the milk while sitting in my underwear on the couch so it wasn’t exactly ’2 Go’ but it was still delicious!

Smell
It smells like milk that slipped on a banana peel… oh man that bit never gets old, silly milk.

Taste
I’m partial to milk and I’m partial to bananas so when this bottle caught my eye as I was walking out the store, I first thought it was a joke but when it wasn’t… I knew great things were about to happen. It tastes like those banana ice cream pops, but the liquid form and without a wooden stick.

Price
500mls of milk and banana flavored sugar will run you around $2. The blast will run an extra 50 cents.